I refuse to get on twitter. I wont even get on twitter as a "virtual tweeter" with a "screenname" never mind as my real self. There are a couple of reasons for this- I'm not good at expressing myself in 140 characters, don't want 400 "followers" am not interested in commercial tweets, and refuse to buy into the illusion that my followers are my friends. (On a tangent, I pulled the myspace profile and haven't heard from my 91 "friends" since: ah intimacy!) I got on facebook, under my real name, and as a social obligation since people can no longer speak to one another in person. I'd estimate that no more than 1/3rd of my 416 "facebook friends" would give a hoot if I pulled the plug there.
Anyhow, back to twitter, tweeting and general tweetness. A friend of mine recently pointed to a story at http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/what-were-black-people-talking-about-on-twitter-last-night

Evidently, there is a tweet channel called "what were black people talking about on twitter last night?" Glancing through the screenshot, where all four posts were hypersexualized ghetto slang on how to tell if you're having bad sex ("If she leaves before you even get the condom off" is my personal favorite and I have no doubt that some women would do this with men and then wonder why men get pissed at them), I had a thought: if a Martian landed and its first exposure to Blacks was that twitter page, it may sign up for the KKK.

I never met a Black person until I was 8 years old and on a trip to New Orleans. I did not go to segregated schools. My family did not have slaves or their modern day equivalents, nannies/housekeepers (if you're ever on the upper west side of manhattan you will see legions of hatian and jamaican women pushing around white kids in strollers). I hate all people equally and must say that I'm proud to do so. I'll do my best to treat you individually.

Of course, I still have my physical preferences, I'm still generally more attracted to black women than white still submit to some black women in a way I don't to most white women but what I don't/won't do is to make race the center of interactions. I want to know you as a person.

This is a noble goal but not one easily achieved in the internet age or in online bdsm "relationships" which basically amount to virtual shopping sprees amid false declarations of love between two people who could care less about one another. (My personal favorite example of this was several days of intense hypnosis and emotional bonding followed by "sacrifice for me" which is dommespeak for cash. I could have sent 40 cents on paypal and be done with it but instead I explained, futily, once more, that I want to be viewed as more than just a cash machine.) Additionally, and madamkuro touched on this, you can sit at home, jerking off and professing your devotion to 30 dommes at the same time via yahoo messenger. [And you can sit at home, gab with your girlfriends, look at handbags online and make fun of 30 people professing their devotion to you while taking their money and professing your "love" for them. Nikki once asked if I thought she sent goodnight messages to everyone. To be honest, I think if you had a pulse, the right phrases to use and some green, you too could get a goodnight message. Given how quickly she washed her hands of me its obvious I never mattered to her no matter what she said otherwise for two straight years.]

Of course, as said before, this whole cash for love scheme is a parasitic one. The one with the cash is the boss. I mean, if I said "nikki lets have lunch. I'll pay you $100,000.00 for it." we would be having lunch. Now, this means that you're trading your body and soul and being for cash [or the promise of cash since online subs are generally full of shit. I strived to be different but hey, different doesn't pay. Being honest, true, vulnerable, real, etc etc just gets you text messages mocking you for being depressed when your grandmother dies. Right? :] And you're trading it to people who have the cash.

Who has a lot of cash in America? Generally, white people. Generally, suburban white people. Generally, suburban white people whose most meaningful interactions with nonwhite people is ordering Chinese delivery. Now, generally, these white people, who are married to other white people, have fantasies about black people because its something strange and unknown to them and mystery in life is often a turn on. So they get online and see this:




She is smoking hot right? (Neat voice too.) But what do you know about her? Do you know her hobbies? Her hopes, dreams, fears? Her frigging name? No. You know an anonymous black girl with big titties whom you can pay, by the minute, to get you off. She is a service to you, no different from the Chinese food. [Not the deliveryman but the food itself. She is a consumable product. You feast on her body for your own selfish purposes and she lets you because she is getting money and therefore having her needs met as well.] She is a cartoon to you. You're an abstraction to her. If you're Mr. Smith in Nassau county and your sole contact with black people is as described, you're gonna be an [unintentionally] racist prick. After you're done with her its off to



and you know what you want there as well. While paying for her, you'll pay a few bucks to see




and that person's video says you can buy her used bras. So you do and jerk off to them. Hey, its your money. Do you know these women? No. Do you even know their names? No. Do you care? No. To you, they are a foreign object, a "different" flavor, an experiment. You feel entitled (hey its your money and its not like titties are a special skill. These women don't bring anything new to the table that you can't get elsewhere.) You have no qualms about using these women. They have no qualms about using you.

So lets say that after a couple of weeks/months/years of hiding in his attic and spending his kids' college fund on the above, Mr. Smith gets really randy and decides that he wants to see some honest to goodness actual black people. In person. So he goes out to Harlem where he imagines all black people must live. He sees an attractive black woman and starts thinking of her the same way he thought of these internet gals. She may be a doctor, she may be a piano player genius, she may be whatever, but to Mr. Smith she is no different from the girls Mr. Smith has been using and has been used by for so long. And its not all Mr. Smith's fault.

It's also her fault:




And hers:




And hers:






Getting online means thinking that you're in a bubble. Ending a relationship is as easy as turning off messenger and blocking a user id. Nobody is real to you. Everyone is an expandable. But what you do and say will still linger

Tags: "dommes", "friends", black women, financial domination, one night stands, online, race, reality, relationships, twitter

Am proud to say that my screensaver is a rapidly rotating set of delicious boobs. Slutdom has its privileges. Some examples

Tags: boobs, relationships

A friend of mine wrote a blog about how the guy who shot up the army base in texas, Tim McVeigh and someone else who committed murders were all soldiers. And its an interesting connection. The army is teaching you to fight, to kill, to harm. It may be a just fight but still a fight. Its unrealistic to expect 18, 20 year old kids to be trained that way, thrown into combat, sent home, discharged and then forgotten about. They will need long term care.

And the same way with online relationships. Think about it: If you're the sort who prides herself on being a lifestyle domme and looks down at so called instas, if you're the kind who goes on about being valuable and wanting to forge a connection, if you're keen on training and talk about how devoted your subs are to you, then you can't very well expect, after 5 months or a year of intense communication that you'll just turn your back on them and walk away.

A domme- madame_kuro i think- wrote about how instasubs are born in the age of messenger because they can send IMs professing their devotion to 20 dommes at once. True and a let down I am sure. The same goes for subs tho: I know its partly economics with subs outnumbering dommes 5:1 at least but its partly that people can really, earnestly say things and not mean a word of it. and the thing of it is, that if they are REALLY good at faking, you might believe them. You may abandon your good sense and go with your heart. You may put caution aside because you have naive notions about how so much of this lifestyle is based on trust.

And long after the other person doesn;t even remember your name anymore, you remember and wow to never believe again.

Tags: absence, abuse, reality, relationships, submission, transformation, trust, unconditional love
Current Mood: contemplative

# 18:06 "Show him your feet. Maybe he has money to pay for a cab to the beach." #

Tags: bdsm, class, intimacy, ladies, reality, relationships

i went to a synagogue the other night. The rabbi there talked about how when we are children, we are free and innocent. We just act and react, honestly and from the soul. And as we get older, other considerations get in the way: we weigh the advantages and disadvantages of honesty and openness. We wonder if being honest and open makes us look cool or needy, whether this is a good time for that honesty and openness, and most crucially, whether the person we are being honest with and opening up to can be trusted with such a gift. Along the way, he asked us to close our eyes and think back to that time when we were not conscious of these inner deliberations. When we just opened up. And as I closed my eyes, somewhere along the way, i felt like i was in subspace again.


One time, what seems like centuries ago, i knelt in the grass, my head bowed, a hand bracing the oak tree. i took slow, long, deep breaths with my eyes closed. my heart rate slowed down. Time passed, but time had no meaning. i felt Her presence, Her love, Her protection, Her goodness and Her nurture guiding me. It felt so good, so right, so where i belonged. It was peace. And it was moments like that which made and makes me feel submissive. The fact that it was all an act on her part, the fact that I now realize it (and I) never meant anything to her, the fact that while she spoke of love and respect she felt only contempt and greed is not relevant. That moment is why i started this journey and that moment, and moments like it, is why I have not left it.

Tags: faith, honesty, openness, relationships, subspace, trust

Service which is rendered
without joy helps neither
the servant nor the served.
-Gandhi

It occurred to me that everything would have turned out completely differently if I had told 3 simple lies:

First, when she went on her "not allowed to be social" kick, I could have just said that I stayed home and watched her vids all night.

Second, when she told me that not seeing her for months (or even getting 1 phone call from her) while living less than ten miles away was not an issue at all but something "only in your mind", I could have good naturedly agreed.

And last when she would ask, after prolonged absences, if I had been chaste for her, I should have just said yes.

Tags: relationships, trust

my OWNER and i were talking on yahoo about something or another a few weeks ago and i thanked HER, as i often do. Sometimes just for HER presence, sometimes for something SHE has done, sometimes just because SHE chose me as HER main pet with all the committment and dedication that carries on both sides.

i don't have the exact transcript but SHE said something like

"you're welcome MY pet. MY slave."

That was the first time SHE ever called me that. It was always a funny word to me. i mean being a slave implies a loss of free will. That's quite a concept. Anyhoo, i did some wiki action and came up with http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slave_(BDSM)

"Some practitioners of M/s believe that ownership of slaves is based on an inescapable emotional state...." So in that sense, SHE is right to call me that.

Tags: owned, relationships, s/m, slave
Current Location: on my knees again :)
Current Mood: content

There are some who seek the idea of being in a s/m relationship but never get into one, which is understandable-it takes quite a lot to give up control to another whether physically or mentally.) There are many (MANY) married men trolling for cheap thrills. [Those men should read http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/513698200.html. If you are not one of those- and i am not- then read it, memorize it and pledge to never become it.) There are those very few who are perfectly content to send gifts and tributes and get nothing in return. (Ladies be warned- these are rare and usually very short term.) And there are those who talk about sending gifts and tributes without actually doing so. (These are much more common.) Being ornery, i refuse to settle into these categories. i seek an actual human relationship. When SHE first told me that once i am HERS i am HERS forever, it was music to my ears. SHE knew it even then.

Thank YOU

Tags: goddess, owned, relationships
Current Mood: full